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Things Your Green Key Didn’t Tell You: Advice for the Romantically Challenged

Dear Margo, Rita, and Curtis,

I’ve been told that at Deerfield the boys usually ask the girls to leave the Greer. However, I really like this one boy who doesn’t even know I exist. Is it that bad for a girl to ask a boy to leave the Greer? 

Sincerely, 

Oppressed by My Gender

 

Dear Oppressed by My Gender,

If a girl asks a boy to leave the Greer, she might as well lock herself in her room because that’s where she’ll be for four years, but there are some alternatives we could explore.

His interests: He plays football? You manage. Be prepared to make some sacrifices, though. Yes, you were probably going to college for field hockey, but the pride that comes from a month-long relationship will take you much further than an Ivy League degree.

His classes: What a friend we have in DAinfo. You have a two-week window in which to switch classes, so act quickly. You take French, he takes Spanish? “Hola, mi amor!” Even better, take note if he frequents math extra help. Because if so, congratulations: you too now suck at math.

Remember that the faculty and staff of these hallowed halls are tools (of knowledge) that are not to be exploited for romantic pursuits. However, desperate times call for desperate measures–and clearly these times are upon you. Feel free to email Ms. Hemphill, Mr. Kelly and Mr. Emerson, and let them know of the situation at hand. The more information you divulge, the more helpful they can be.

As an official publication of Deerfield Academy, and technically by American law, The Scroll can’t condone blackmail. However, you seem like the type of broad who likes to color outside the lines. If you are in fact so inclined, make sure to follow our procedure closely.

Most boys don’t maintain their Facebook profiles, so “friend” him (though don’t be upset if he doesn’t accept right away, he may think you’re a dean)–and surely with enough digging, you’ll stumble upon an embarrassing picture from his 7th grade D.C. trip–the chubbier the better. Make sure to create a Shutterfly account, because you will soon be needing a print the size of a Dining Hall wall (this size is just a suggestion: feel free to adjust according to your desperation level and lack of social awareness). Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to hang it up, just as long as he’s aware of its existence.

Just because it wasn’t fate, doesn’t mean it can’t be forced. If these suggestions work out for you, we will gladly accept compensation or a place at your wedding (we expect at least bridesmaid status). But if things don’t go your way, we’re super-bummed for you. This publication, however, accepts no responsibility for restraining orders, legal proceedings or social ostracization that may follow.

Sincerely,

Those Who Agreed To Write This Because They Had Literally Nothing To Lose

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